do-done-DID

That there's a red velvet cheesecake! Happy 50th Dad =]

A Sandy Situation

Q: where does my worth lie?

Q: where do my feelings of constant disappointment come from?

A?: Some days I'm daydreaming that I'm a folk musician from Nashville, an advertising executive, an antique store owner...whatever it is, its always something I know I'm not. I'm focusing on the uncharacteristic, not on the indicative. Dreaming is healthy, envy is ghastly.

See its summertime again, and for me, this is when feelings of worthlessness set it. All year long I'm away at school, keeping busy with school, church, and a job. I feel accomplished and most of the time I'm proud of my work. I tell myself its worthwhile, and I am content.

Trusting God and human responsibility coexist. He has given us resources and talents. We plan our course, but He determines our steps. We are told to seek first His kingdom, and earthly needs will be added unto us. If you know me, you know that I've definitely taken care of the human responsibility side of things...and then some. Its not that I believe God is not trustworthy, its almost like I believe I know what I need better than He does, and that somehow, right now, I'm not where I'm supposed to be - I'm supposed to be somewhere better.

When I ask myself "what is my position?" the first thing that I recall is not my position in Christ. This is the essential problem. He has been faithful, and will continue to be faithful. I need to get it out of my head that one of life's main goals is to make a name for myself because my pride is at stake.

My hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand.

I am, in essence, the same person whether I'm stranded in the desert or self-employed in my Hollywood loft. So rather than focus on the paint, let me rather focus on the contents of the house.

*just add water

Any training - physical, mental, or spiritual - is characterized at first by failure. We fail more often than we succeed. but if we persevere, we gradually see progress till we are succeeding more often than we are failing. this is true as we seek to put to death particular sins. at first it seems we are making no progress, so we become discouraged and think, what's the use? i can never overcome that sin. that is exactly what Satan wants us to think.

-Jerry Bridges, Pursuit of Holiness

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I've realized that I stopped caring that much about spiritual discipline. I've adopted this que sera attitude toward my spiritual life thinking all the bells and whistles aren't worth the regular tunings. If I read my Bible most days and pray when prayer comes to mind and go to Bible study and church every Sunday....it'll all just fall into place. The change I knew should be coming in my life I wanted now, and when discipline wasn't "working" I quickly gave it up for something easier.

What I wanted was instant sanctification.

Not because of anything I've been actively seeking to learn lately, but something that has (obviously sovereignly) come to my mind is spiritual warfare. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour [1 Peter 5:8]. It seems easy for me to assent in my head that, yes, I need to be actively pursuing holiness with a spiritual discipline, but to actually bend my will to do it is different altogether. I know I must ask the Lord for this. We're pathetic aren't we? We need to ask the Lord to help us love him. And even this gets tiring. I don't know about you, but I grow tired of asking the Lord day after day to cause me to want to obey His commandments and trust that He will do it. If I've learned anything about the Christian life, one thing I've learned well is that this is what it looks like.

Always failing, always repenting, then grace abounding. Always learning, always forgetting, always being reminded.

This battle cannot be fought in ambiguous terms and and undefined platitudes. James 1:22 warns of vague spirituality...a Christianity that you agree with cognitively, but don't apply specifically ["but instead be doers of the word..."].

I don't know what else to say. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

http://christian-topics.info/Article/Just-Add-Water/11635

Coffee Stains

Living in the dorms means we get the luxury of washing our dishes in the community bathroom. I stood under the fluorescent lights with a sponge in one hand and my mug in the other hand, trying to scrub out the coffee stains. Those stains were a school-year-long project that had been worked on every day, faithfully. This past year was made up of a lot of different days...easy to forget when you're at the edge of a hill you just climbed, looking down on the entire valley. It reminds me of a tree trunk actually - each ring attests to the amount of time the tree has been standing. To be frank, I've forgotten most of those days. A conversation, a class, or even a meal might remain impressed upon my memory, but entire days...I can't say the same. It's funny how we only acknowledge the gravity of how far we've been brought when we hit a milestone...21st birthday, graduation, marriage...they're just days.

A day is a day is a day is a day.

I've come to a conclusion. Moments matter. This is why we shouldn't wait til tomorrow to do [whatever] or let a negative comment ruin an entire day.

I'm home now.

God, I don't understand what all these moments have meant. I am sure of very little, but what I am sure of I will not waver on: that you have controlled the moments, that You have sustained me through them, and were glorified in them. You know my sitting down and my standing up. I plan my course but You determine my steps.

I think coffee stains are as hard to get off your mug as they are to get off your teeth. The school year is done. I can change no part of it. When I look at it, and try to contrive some meaning of my own into it, I realize that an attempt to do so is vanity. I think of the good moments and the not-so-fun moments, the indifferent moments and the impactful moments...if I fail to recognize the Lord as sovereign God over those moments they all become meaningless.

Fear God and keep His commandments.

It's tempting to want to aggrandize everything. To turn a year of my life into a certain "theme" would be to trivialize it. Lots of days happened...lots of days. I'm not going to pretend to know the big picture...to idolize control that much. God has determined my steps, and the path that has taken me is intricate.

I am [being taught to be] content to know next to nothing of what to make of all my days, and instead know nothing but that a loving God is controlling them.

God's Hand

I'm not sure if I've ever had a more encouraging resurrection Sunday.

Every week at Bible study, we have a time where we can all share how God has worked in our lives the past week, and every week I am convicted. Honestly I would say I let myself coast on default [unfortunately] most of the time...my brain takes in the events of the day as things that just happen. I asked for prayer that I would be able to see events in my life as God's hand specifically and that I would acknowledge that and praise Him for it.

God is so real. I don't know any other way to say it. Christ really is who He said He was and He really has given His Spirit to me. That kind of assurance [that could assure even a cynic like me] could ONLY come from a God who is there.

Believing in the resurrection changes everything. I am no longer dead in my sins, but am alive in Christ. Because He lives - I live, and belief in the cross "demands my soul, my life, my all." Prayer to a God who is there and the Christ who is really risen is EFFECTIVE. I see how God is working in my life when I'm actively seeking Him through prayer...so when something "happens" its impossible for me to attribute it to chance, or brush it off as nothing.

He is working in my life daily - and to think that He is doing that for all the saints blows my mind at how amazing the Lord is. He cares for us, He DIED for us, and continues to WORK in us, and I have seen that this week so clearly.

**also, this article was really encouraging, as are most I read from DeYoung. It's primarily about growing cold in the faith. May we never forget the relevancy of the gospel and our dependence on it daily. http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2011/04/22/lest-we-drift-away/

That's Life?

A repeating theme this week [and in my life] has been changing friendships.

People leave- move away, transfer schools, get busy, etc. etc.

I'm conflicted between two thoughts:

a) that relationship was good for what it was, when the Lord was gracious enough to provide it, and therefore there is no reason to lament it or desire to have it back.

b) relationships are important and keeping them are even more important. In this way we model faithfulness in loving people un-conditionally (that particular and primary condition being distance)

As per many of the conclusions I come to, my tendency would be to say that its a balance...or at least case-by-case (what type of friendship was it, what are the reasons the friendship changed, and what do I desire it to look like in the future?). But I'm still feeling conflicted on how to look at these situations.

How [do] I Get There [?]

I often wonder "how do I get to where I can say what I want to say?" Writing is often about how I get to the point cleverly, creatively, and logically enough to where my point has been communicated effectively without me just blurting it out.

Other times, I just can't do it. I'm walking the fine line between writing and ranting when I can't lead up to a point, but even at the risk of doing so, I think sometimes it's a relief for me (and I think, a relief for others to read) to just say what you set out to say, right from the get go.

"Out with it already!"

Ironically, writing about how I can't think of a clever introduction has given me an introduction.

(cue awkward paragraph break and imagine a smooth transition here, if you wish)

I want to do something with my life. Before I go on, I want to make a little disclaimer. Yes, I have read "Just Do Something" & I know the will of God for my life is to love Him and obey His commandments so whether I choose a red Prius or a blue Acura is irrelevant. I'm not even speaking ministry-ly (I deny a separation between the sacred and the secular via the priesthood of all believers). What I am referring to is earning my bread. I will need to work. While I know that not everyone has the luxury of doing what they love in order to earn a living, I've been thinking...why can't I? I think I have a choice, don't I? I am filled by Christ, lacking nothing, so my fulfillment will never come from my career, but granted that I am "doing God's will" by treasuring Him alone in my heart I believe I have been given the freedom to pursue something I love.

That's not even to mention giftedness! The Lord has endowed us each with spiritual gifts as well as practical skills that we can employ in a work-setting. We work like the rest of the world, but what a unique opportunity is it that we acknowledge that those gifts are from the Lord and can now be "redeemed" to be used for the Lord.

This isn't necessarily a new revelation. Just an old truth brought to the front of my mind recently. In order to help pay for school, I work a job that I almost can't stand. The work is rote and I am at the bottom of the totem-pole, doing tasks that no one else wants to do. This seems to have been the pattern of my work life so far, and I'm praying its not an indication of what my future will look like. I believe I'm ambitious, not arrogant, when I say that I can do so much more!

I know where I want to go in the end...but how do I get there? I perceive that most are content to work "just to get by." How depressing! Pray ambitiously - I know I will be.