A Sandy Situation

Q: where does my worth lie?

Q: where do my feelings of constant disappointment come from?

A?: Some days I'm daydreaming that I'm a folk musician from Nashville, an advertising executive, an antique store owner...whatever it is, its always something I know I'm not. I'm focusing on the uncharacteristic, not on the indicative. Dreaming is healthy, envy is ghastly.

See its summertime again, and for me, this is when feelings of worthlessness set it. All year long I'm away at school, keeping busy with school, church, and a job. I feel accomplished and most of the time I'm proud of my work. I tell myself its worthwhile, and I am content.

Trusting God and human responsibility coexist. He has given us resources and talents. We plan our course, but He determines our steps. We are told to seek first His kingdom, and earthly needs will be added unto us. If you know me, you know that I've definitely taken care of the human responsibility side of things...and then some. Its not that I believe God is not trustworthy, its almost like I believe I know what I need better than He does, and that somehow, right now, I'm not where I'm supposed to be - I'm supposed to be somewhere better.

When I ask myself "what is my position?" the first thing that I recall is not my position in Christ. This is the essential problem. He has been faithful, and will continue to be faithful. I need to get it out of my head that one of life's main goals is to make a name for myself because my pride is at stake.

My hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand.

I am, in essence, the same person whether I'm stranded in the desert or self-employed in my Hollywood loft. So rather than focus on the paint, let me rather focus on the contents of the house.

*just add water

Any training - physical, mental, or spiritual - is characterized at first by failure. We fail more often than we succeed. but if we persevere, we gradually see progress till we are succeeding more often than we are failing. this is true as we seek to put to death particular sins. at first it seems we are making no progress, so we become discouraged and think, what's the use? i can never overcome that sin. that is exactly what Satan wants us to think.

-Jerry Bridges, Pursuit of Holiness

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I've realized that I stopped caring that much about spiritual discipline. I've adopted this que sera attitude toward my spiritual life thinking all the bells and whistles aren't worth the regular tunings. If I read my Bible most days and pray when prayer comes to mind and go to Bible study and church every Sunday....it'll all just fall into place. The change I knew should be coming in my life I wanted now, and when discipline wasn't "working" I quickly gave it up for something easier.

What I wanted was instant sanctification.

Not because of anything I've been actively seeking to learn lately, but something that has (obviously sovereignly) come to my mind is spiritual warfare. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour [1 Peter 5:8]. It seems easy for me to assent in my head that, yes, I need to be actively pursuing holiness with a spiritual discipline, but to actually bend my will to do it is different altogether. I know I must ask the Lord for this. We're pathetic aren't we? We need to ask the Lord to help us love him. And even this gets tiring. I don't know about you, but I grow tired of asking the Lord day after day to cause me to want to obey His commandments and trust that He will do it. If I've learned anything about the Christian life, one thing I've learned well is that this is what it looks like.

Always failing, always repenting, then grace abounding. Always learning, always forgetting, always being reminded.

This battle cannot be fought in ambiguous terms and and undefined platitudes. James 1:22 warns of vague spirituality...a Christianity that you agree with cognitively, but don't apply specifically ["but instead be doers of the word..."].

I don't know what else to say. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

http://christian-topics.info/Article/Just-Add-Water/11635

Coffee Stains

Living in the dorms means we get the luxury of washing our dishes in the community bathroom. I stood under the fluorescent lights with a sponge in one hand and my mug in the other hand, trying to scrub out the coffee stains. Those stains were a school-year-long project that had been worked on every day, faithfully. This past year was made up of a lot of different days...easy to forget when you're at the edge of a hill you just climbed, looking down on the entire valley. It reminds me of a tree trunk actually - each ring attests to the amount of time the tree has been standing. To be frank, I've forgotten most of those days. A conversation, a class, or even a meal might remain impressed upon my memory, but entire days...I can't say the same. It's funny how we only acknowledge the gravity of how far we've been brought when we hit a milestone...21st birthday, graduation, marriage...they're just days.

A day is a day is a day is a day.

I've come to a conclusion. Moments matter. This is why we shouldn't wait til tomorrow to do [whatever] or let a negative comment ruin an entire day.

I'm home now.

God, I don't understand what all these moments have meant. I am sure of very little, but what I am sure of I will not waver on: that you have controlled the moments, that You have sustained me through them, and were glorified in them. You know my sitting down and my standing up. I plan my course but You determine my steps.

I think coffee stains are as hard to get off your mug as they are to get off your teeth. The school year is done. I can change no part of it. When I look at it, and try to contrive some meaning of my own into it, I realize that an attempt to do so is vanity. I think of the good moments and the not-so-fun moments, the indifferent moments and the impactful moments...if I fail to recognize the Lord as sovereign God over those moments they all become meaningless.

Fear God and keep His commandments.

It's tempting to want to aggrandize everything. To turn a year of my life into a certain "theme" would be to trivialize it. Lots of days happened...lots of days. I'm not going to pretend to know the big picture...to idolize control that much. God has determined my steps, and the path that has taken me is intricate.

I am [being taught to be] content to know next to nothing of what to make of all my days, and instead know nothing but that a loving God is controlling them.